Sunday, January 29, 2017

The Moment You're Ready to Quit...


This is one of those quotes that I've seen time and time again and I'm always like "I want to believe you but..." Well today I can actually tell you that this can happen and when it does it's incredible.

Today was the Horgan Winter Feis and it started out not how I was planning. AT ALL. I had lot of time in between my dances so there was time to check results in between them. I started off with slip jig and just like last time I was really pleased with how with it went...but then I went and made the mistake of seeing if I placed (lets be real, to see if I won) and when I saw that I didn't place it made me feel really mopey. So much so that I messed up something very simple in my treble jig and I didn't smile at all, it was over before it ever really began, you know? My TC asked me how it went and I started crying. It really wasn't pretty. I'm so desperate to get out of Novice that I've been putting ridiculous pressure on myself and clearly it's not working. I honestly feel that I'm past the "not knowing it" part with these dances. It's all a mind game. Even though I might smile and look like I've got it under control, in my head I'm screaming "WIN YOU IDIOT! WHY AREN'T YOU A FULL PRIZEWINNER?" I've got to find a way to deal with this, a way to let it go. Stay tuned for that, I guess. One thing I'm promising myself to do from now on is to check my results after I'm done dancing with at least all of my Novice things, if not everything, but I digress.

I had a few hours between Novice and Prizewinner so my TC recommended that I get away from the ball room and clear my head. I ended up getting lunch with my mom and two aunties and I definitely felt more calm by the time it was time to go back down and get ready for my next dances. I tried to tell myself to not get my hopes up for these. It was only my second time competing in the new level and that there have been girls in prizewinner for a long time. Reel went better than the last feis, though I wasn't really surprised that I didn't place. It's good but it's not polished yet. I jokingly said to my mother "Do you just want to go home now?" and she insisted that we finish it out. My hornpipe was the very last dance of the day and I was lucky enough that I was able to sit in between my Prizewinner dances so my feet didn't hurt like the usually do. Still, I wasn't expecting anything. I'd also recently gone back to my old first step because I'd had trouble with the double during class and had totally blew it at the last feis. It was a good decision because I was able to get through everything with no major issues and I would say that I was relatively loud and in time. We started packing up when I ended up checking the results sheet just for fun. I didn't even bring my number card because I didn't think I'd need it. All of a sudden I look and think I see my number. "Oh my God, I think I got something." I yelled. I ran back to get my number and sure enough, I got third in my hornpipe and just like that the day was totally redeemed and the volunteer was trying to comfort me because I was shaking so much. 

So here is why I'm trying to bring up the quote that is at the beginning of this post. There are some days where I want to scream in frustration. There are days where I say "Who am I kidding? G, P, and L are placing and winning and I never will because (insert reason here). I was ready to go home early today because I was so discouraged about my results. Thank goodness I didn't because now I am that much more motivated to perfect that dance now that I know I can run with the other prizewinners. I'm determined to find the magic way for me to get my treble jig and slip jig into prizewinner and beyond even if it means letting go and "having it happen when I least expect it". One of the girl's in my class who has been so successful told me "It's just a feis. There will be others." At the time, I was like "but you're not almost 28, you don't pay the entry fees...your mom does." But I think I need to start thinking like this more. I will just keep on going until the stars align and I reach my goal because someday I want to be in open and I want to be a success story that people talk about. "Kay struggled in Novice but she's a World Medal Holder now" or "Kay might have been in Novice for over a year but she got to prelim in 6 months." I don't know how it will play out but I work too hard and love this too much to quit now. 

Plus...I started dancing my soft shoe in Novice in February of last year and wasn't a full Novice until April. I really should just shut up. It's just the whole trying to make up for lost time thing that has me all keyed up.

Double header next weekend. I'll be at O'Rourke on Saturday and Shamrock on Sunday. If you are going come say hi!

After I ripped my crown off, it was annoying me!


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