Sunday, November 9, 2014

Turmoil

So I'm not pregnant. Heh.

What's up interwebs? I sit writing this entry, trying to find a way to not make this another gloomy post. I try to think of all the ways that I could make this not venty, or whiny but I'm hitting the point where if I don't purge everything I'm feeling on the inside, my spirits are going to get even darker and I'm going to take it out on people who care about my well being. So if you are reading this and wondering what's going on with my journey...I think I'm lost or made a wrong turn, or something...

You know how I am, you know how much I love dance and how badly I want to be the best I can be. I was practicing daily, going to class and dancing with the little kids, working and studying. I had two respectable competitions and I was looking forward to what was to come in my dance world. Well I'm having a rough time and it's making me come undone. Remember the previous post where I said I had shin splints? I've tried it all. Icing, cutting back from practice, not practicing at all. Only dancing once a week, taking a whole week off from dance. No relief. I've been trying to work through the discomfort. Taking longer breaks, not doing certain warm ups. Last Friday class I went to was the beginning of the breakdown. I'm doing my slip jig and it's going horribly. I can't do overs and I'm falling out of rhythm and time, I can't get high enough on my toes. I'm getting frustrated. Then my teacher tells me that he's noticing that I'm struggling in class, that my dancing has declined and that he's concerned. I pretty much broke down. Telling him that I'm scared to go to the doctor because I don't want to stop dancing that I want it to go away and it wont. His wife hugged me and convinced me to go home because she felt that I wasn't going to get anywhere else that night. After that I rested for a whole week and Wednesday's class started out great. I'm still not doing everything I used to but I didn't feel any discomfort until the last fifteen minutes so I stopped a bit early and went home. Now it's Sunday and I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN. Like it hurts to walk, stand, it hurts when I'm laying down, it radiates through one of my feet, the muscles in my thighs are sore from trying to compensate. I had to miss class Friday and pull out of a Feis that was yesterday. I'm upset because that's money I can't get back and that feis was supposed to be the one where I did all my dances. I feel like my hopes and dreams are slipping away from me. I feel like my body is fighting me. I feel like my body was more stable when I was doing FLIPPING GYMNASTICS! I'm calling the doctor tomorrow because I can't take much more of this. If I have a broken leg, I need to know.

There are a few things that don't necessarily give me hope, but make me at least know that I'm not alone in all of this. One is that my favorite dancer Brogan McCay just went through s similar problem. She is a world champion. If she can get injured, I shouldn't feel so bad about myself. I also like to use gymnastics in a lot of my life lessons. (Love it, even though I wasn't very good) My favorite gymnast Aliya Mustafina tore her ACL during a competition. She came back to win the most medals out of any gymnast at the olympics...like a year later. That gives me a glimmer of hope that even if this is a serious injury and I have to sit out that I can come back and be just as good, hell better.

She's been a force to be reckoned with ever since.

It also makes for great writing since my main character receives what she thinks is a career ending injury. The pain and moodiness are helpful in describing what she's going through.

Okay, done for now. I'll keep you updated.

No comments:

Post a Comment