Monday, August 17, 2015

Support Version 2.0

I apologize for my slacking on the photo challenge. It's been a crazy week to say the least. Don't worry, I will keep working at it. For now I need to do one of my posts where I vent because I can't get out of my own way. Please bear with me.

I'm 26. I'm married. I have a full time job. I know that I'm fighting it, but I'm an adult. A huge reason my photo challenge got pushed to the way side this week was because my husband and I finally had an offer be accepted on a house. I don't know how many of you have been reading from the start, or if you went back to the "original" journey section of my blog but this was a long time coming. We've probably went to at least 40 houses and put offers on 3 others before we finally found "the one" and we've been looking since before we were married so it's been at least a two year process. I'm happy in the sense that it has so many of the things we wanted in a home. It's in the town we always wanted to live in, it's private and quiet, our future children will go to great schools, plenty of square footage and land, and it's just plain beautiful. Not to mention there is room for my dance floor and practicing won't be an issue. However, the house was more money than we ever thought we would spend and, while it's not uninhabitable, the house will need work to get it in perfect condition. But everyone keeps on saying "It's worth it to have a house! Sure you'll have to sacrifice, but it's not forever! Blah blah blah!"

I feel like there is something wrong with me because I'm sitting here wanting to cry and it's not because I don't want to move again or that I'm scared to live in the woods alone when my husband has a show. It's because I have a dream and I feel like it's being squashed and what's more I feel like I'm being selfish for not just rolling over and giving up on it until "things get better someday." I want to be a Champion Irish Dancer. Maybe not World Champion but I want to be the greatest I can be. I already know that someday down the pipe I'm going to have to take a "baby break". But I guess I'm being a rotten person and I don't want to have to give up dancing when it already took me 24 years to find my passion. I feel like dance makes me happy and sane when things get stressful, it gives me goals and things to work towards, it's also making my body look the best it's looked in a long time. I know that it's expensive, I know that it "doesn't make money." But I feel that I work hard enough that if I'm able to pay our bills and save, why can't I continue to do what I love? Is that so crazy? Is that so wrong of me?

It doesn't help that sometimes I feel like I'm bullied, like someone steals my lunch money and is holding it just out of my reach. One minute it's okay to dance so much as we are able to pay bills, the next I'm not allowed to spend any money at all, then I'm told that they want me to be happy and that there will be other things we can sacrifice so that I can continue without change and then they're reading my emails behind my back and threatening to burn my new dance dress if I have to purchase it before my old one sells. It's all way too much honestly.

It goes back to my previous entry about support. I now understand that you can't force someone to like something. That can only make things worse. But how do you get someone to see that it's not their right or choice to take something away from you? That if they love you they have to be more tolerant of your dreams? I really hope I'm not sounding like a spoiled brat but this has just been on my mind for almost a week now and I'm really just looking for some golden solution so that everyone wins.

Until then:
-Sell old solo at all costs (One potential lead at the moment)
-Go back to old job 2 days a week to pay feis fees and maybe class tuition
-no more eating out, coffee or craft store trips
-continue to buy used things
-ask parents to spot you for new dress if you can't sell dress. (absolute last resort)
-Try to remember that your husband loves you even though sometimes he sucks a big one.

Thanks for listening,


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