Joy
I've been sitting on this entry for almost a week, and my goodness...It was a WEEK. It was the antithesis of joy. I figure now is the perfect time to focus on something positive.
Skating has brought me so much happiness since joining up. I wouldn't say there is one specific thing, but I just find myself smiling and having fun the entire time. Even things that scare me or that I'm not ready for yet don't fill me with anxiety or anger like other things used to. Maybe it's because I'm a mom now and I don't have time to stress about the little things (including my day job eeee). Maybe I'm just happy to have a "thing" again, to be invested in something without it expecting anything of me in return.
I have to believe that there was a time where I felt this same joy for dance, and don't get me wrong I LOVED dance. But I think it was an intense obsessive love. It was all consuming and was my first taste of doing something competitive. I lived for a melancholy reel and a good hornpipe. I loved the girls at my studio like they were my younger sisters (Hell, some where young enough to be my daughters) but I can't explain to you why this feels different exactly.
There's something about stepping out onto that fresh ice. It still makes me a little nervous...but it's like you are being invited to leave marks on it and I'm not sure if it's where my club practices but it's calm and pensive as you skate around. The only way I can describe it is...bliss
I feel like my blog has gotten a bit defensive. Part of me feels bad for enjoying an activity besides dance. Part of me feels guilty for not going to visit or not being more apt to try to return. Sometimes it takes a step back to realize that change might be good. Again, maybe having my son has aided in this new mindset but while the highs were amazing in my dance journey, the lows were very low. I want to be clear that this in no way had anything to do with my TC or the girls in my class. I was the one that put pressure on myself to be the best dancer I could be, I gave myself deadlines and when I didn't get there I felt like a failure. We talked about dance those six or so months that I went to therapy. We talked about other things too, but none the less...it happened.
Anyway, I feel like I'm going off on a weird tangent and this post is supposed to be about Joy so let me bring it back. I don't find myself being hard on myself for not looking the same as others when I'm skating. Maybe it's because I'm not the oldest among the adult skaters. Maybe it's that I'm not good enough yet to be comparing myself to others. Again it's hard to explain. I'm skating in a show in a week and I'm not freaking out. I told my coach a last week that I'm just happy to be here...that's a huge improvement for me. Don't get me wrong, I already want to crush all the goals, but for now I'm enjoying the journey and I don't want that to change.
I also feel joy because I have a like minded friend in this new venture. I had so many friends at competitions but wasn't so lucky at the studio. My fellow senior ladies quit, medically retired, and just plain vanished. Then a new Senior lady came and I got pregnant...couldn't win. It was kind of lonely. Yes, I had my TC, but sometimes it felt weird to be with the others. Having L around has helped so much. Beyond the fact that I've gotten some pristine 2nd hand stuff from her, she's been very encouraging, has sent me so many dress ideas, and is just a genuine awesome person. I also have started talking more to the other people in my group lesson and even the ice dancers as we put on our skates in the warm room. I have spoke of it many times, but I feel like I was adopted into a little family and that brings me joy too. I so wish I had found out about them sooner. Not that I would have been ready until like the second session anyway but still. I wonder where I'd be now if I hadn't done gymnastics those few weeks. Oh well.
My coach Michelle makes me feel joy. This might sound totally tacky but she's the perfect coach for me. I definitely respond well to positive reinforcement and she always makes me feel good about myself when I'm learning new things. I also feel like right now her goals are more ambitious than mine.
Alright, I think that is enough for me. Thanks for listening to this weird ramble.
Kay
Skating has brought me so much happiness since joining up. I wouldn't say there is one specific thing, but I just find myself smiling and having fun the entire time. Even things that scare me or that I'm not ready for yet don't fill me with anxiety or anger like other things used to. Maybe it's because I'm a mom now and I don't have time to stress about the little things (including my day job eeee). Maybe I'm just happy to have a "thing" again, to be invested in something without it expecting anything of me in return.
I have to believe that there was a time where I felt this same joy for dance, and don't get me wrong I LOVED dance. But I think it was an intense obsessive love. It was all consuming and was my first taste of doing something competitive. I lived for a melancholy reel and a good hornpipe. I loved the girls at my studio like they were my younger sisters (Hell, some where young enough to be my daughters) but I can't explain to you why this feels different exactly.
There's something about stepping out onto that fresh ice. It still makes me a little nervous...but it's like you are being invited to leave marks on it and I'm not sure if it's where my club practices but it's calm and pensive as you skate around. The only way I can describe it is...bliss
I feel like my blog has gotten a bit defensive. Part of me feels bad for enjoying an activity besides dance. Part of me feels guilty for not going to visit or not being more apt to try to return. Sometimes it takes a step back to realize that change might be good. Again, maybe having my son has aided in this new mindset but while the highs were amazing in my dance journey, the lows were very low. I want to be clear that this in no way had anything to do with my TC or the girls in my class. I was the one that put pressure on myself to be the best dancer I could be, I gave myself deadlines and when I didn't get there I felt like a failure. We talked about dance those six or so months that I went to therapy. We talked about other things too, but none the less...it happened.
Anyway, I feel like I'm going off on a weird tangent and this post is supposed to be about Joy so let me bring it back. I don't find myself being hard on myself for not looking the same as others when I'm skating. Maybe it's because I'm not the oldest among the adult skaters. Maybe it's that I'm not good enough yet to be comparing myself to others. Again it's hard to explain. I'm skating in a show in a week and I'm not freaking out. I told my coach a last week that I'm just happy to be here...that's a huge improvement for me. Don't get me wrong, I already want to crush all the goals, but for now I'm enjoying the journey and I don't want that to change.
I also feel joy because I have a like minded friend in this new venture. I had so many friends at competitions but wasn't so lucky at the studio. My fellow senior ladies quit, medically retired, and just plain vanished. Then a new Senior lady came and I got pregnant...couldn't win. It was kind of lonely. Yes, I had my TC, but sometimes it felt weird to be with the others. Having L around has helped so much. Beyond the fact that I've gotten some pristine 2nd hand stuff from her, she's been very encouraging, has sent me so many dress ideas, and is just a genuine awesome person. I also have started talking more to the other people in my group lesson and even the ice dancers as we put on our skates in the warm room. I have spoke of it many times, but I feel like I was adopted into a little family and that brings me joy too. I so wish I had found out about them sooner. Not that I would have been ready until like the second session anyway but still. I wonder where I'd be now if I hadn't done gymnastics those few weeks. Oh well.
My coach Michelle makes me feel joy. This might sound totally tacky but she's the perfect coach for me. I definitely respond well to positive reinforcement and she always makes me feel good about myself when I'm learning new things. I also feel like right now her goals are more ambitious than mine.
Alright, I think that is enough for me. Thanks for listening to this weird ramble.
Kay
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